a new beginning

whoa, well for the longest time, every smile i have ever put on my face was fake. but now, i can show my true self and be who i wanna be. I'm talking about my life ... where i am, what i do, who i'm with ...... right now i'm living in Red Deer, Alberta and have been for about a month now. I feel so great. I'm in a different environment, different province, different everything!!!! I met some pretty cool people up here but there's one person whos pretty much my best friend right now. His name is Jaret. We hang out like everyday weather it's at work ( YES HE GOT ME A JOB!! ) or at the pool. the movies, where ever ... he's like the most coolest guy i met. I made like $500 this week working which is awesome... i need the money anyway .... i'm also getting a tan , gaining some muscule, and losing a little bit of weight hehehe. The other weekend, jaret and i went and saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall!!! i recommend anyone to go and see that ,,,, funniest comendy I have seen in a while! but i will right more later, right now i got a hang over hahaha! Whole bottle of Gibsons last night! WHOOO! ><><>< ><

Keepin myself alive

Kamloops life is turning out not so bad anymore. ryan and I are doing so well it's amazing. And yes we are still on the hunt for a one bedroom place but we are going to some on Sunday to take a look at them. I applied at Maripoza for a job and now I'm just waiting to hear back from them. I really hope I get it as I have great fashion skills and Maripoza is my favorite store ever!!! Hehe.
So much has been going on with me lately. My dad had a recent heart attack a little while ago but he is doing really really well now so that's a releif. And last weekend my little brother had to go get eye surgery which scared the hell out of me cuz he tried that when he was 3 and died for 15 minutes ... so I was really nervous about him going, but HE IS GOOD. So I can smile about that. Hmmm what else.... oh ... you woulda thought that me moving to Kamloops would reduce all this highschool drama but it still continues to follow me as some poeple dont know how to keep their big trap shut. Luckily I'm not there or I would flip, but I'm here starting my own life and beginning not to care what anyone else says or has to say. But other than that, tomorrow is mine and Ryan's one year and four months ... of course we're not gonna celabrate that until our one year and six months but it is still something good to state out. And I'm happy. My mom and I have been talking alot more since she lives in Alberta but we have been keeping in touch a lot .. and oh ... for my grad present .. I might be going to West Edmonton Mall AGAIN! !!! YAY
Well thats all I have to say I gotta go use the phone!

xx You Know You Love Me xx

WOW

Holy f*ck .. I mean .. wow .. some people really gotta get a life ... and no I'm not talking about ryan haha ... but I mean some people are so stupid .. they know how to make me angry and VERY annoyed... seriously .. this someone is invading others privacy with relationshps, invading personal space .. and OMG ARGH! make me angry. And I have a right to be angry.

Anyway just thought I would state that!!

People need to get a life and grow up and consentrate on their own life and family!! GOD!

Putting the pieces together

Ok, well I've been told that it would be a nice idea if I kept in touch so let's see what i have all been up to.
Well for starters, me and ryan got back together on Wednesday and I'm happier than ever. And as of right now, we are looking for another apartment because my sister doesnt get off my back. She's always saying you cant do this you cant do that blah blah blah so we ar lookin for somewhere else to live. And as soon as we get that figured out, I can FINALLY start looking for a job.... I just need to know where I'm gonna be living first since I cant drive and ya ... so thats that.
And right now I am sitting here all alone doing some laundry. Ryan went back to clinton until tomororw cuz he's gotta work and melissa and justin are now in Clinton doing .. i dont know what. So I'm bored and decided to write. But now I'm done.

Tattoo

This is such a great song for those trying to get over someone .. It's called Tattoo! :

Oh, oh, oh
No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind

[Chorus]
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you, I'll always have you

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could

Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

[Chorus]
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have youI'll always have you)

[Bridge]
If I live every momen
tWon't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

[Chorus x2]
Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

Playing games????

Why do guys like to play games with you??
First they make you cryy and let you go then the next day they ask you what's gonna happen.
Ryan meant a lot to me .. and I know I can move on .. but I choose not too. I really honostly dont know what to do .. the other day he told me FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER he never got any sleep cuz he was up thinking all night about "us" ... he said that now he knows he has changed for the worst and he thinks he can change back.
But I told him I didnt want to be hurt as his girlfriend or even as his friend .. so i told him not to talk to me unless he does change and can fully respect me for who I am ... that's what I deserve.
This all hurts me too much .. Maybe I'm trying to move on too fast ya know?? Maybe me being happy right now isn't for real .. maybe it's all an act. I DONT KNOW!

Need to let out a heartache

As alot of people know, me and ryan have split up on Friday and I am heartbroken .. I'm coming back to clinton today to talk to him ....
While I have been alone I wrote a poem letting out my feelings...
It's called You're My Dream Come True:

You touch my heart in so many ways,
It's you that my heart calls for everyday,
You're more than I could ask for,
You're my dream come true.

The smiles we shared together,
When I met you I knew you were the one,
Ever since then, there's no other place I would rather be
Being in your arms was so wonderful
Tears of missing you, i wish you could see.

PLease Ryan, come back to me when you have your month of space,
As you will begin to notice, you love me more than a friend,
And that our love is meant to be.

You mean the world to me,
Can't you see??
I hope you will see how much you mean to me.
I will always be here!

Last Blog EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeesss!!! Only 5 days left to go until highschool for me is DONE! This is my last blog ever .... which I have to admit, I'm pretty happy. I loved what I have learnt in highschool and I love who I have met. I have learnt that true friends are the ones you go through all the highschool drama fights with but are still together in the end.. And that's what makes highschool special. This school has got to be my least favorite known for all the drama but I am thankful that I got to meet awesome people who I will never forget. I have best friends who have graduated, who are in my grade right now, and who are younger than I am ... But they will be my friends until the day I die. I'm also very fortunate that I can here becuase now I have someone I can wake up to every morning ... and I know he cares about me all the time. And I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. And also, Mrs. wadlegger (now I'm not just saying this becuase you are my teacher but ... ) you are my favorite teacher ... We got off on the wrong foot, but as I got older and more mature I have realized that you too are as human as I am .. and now I can talk to you pretty much about anything. And I thank you for being such a great teacher in everything you have taught me ... Hope you get rich too one day and never have to teach again :P ... Go out and explore places ....
I will miss you all ... but I will come back to see you when I get time!

A Girl With Big Dreams

As I'm still young, I'm allowed to have big dreams that involve ... well ... everything!! I want to win the lotto, get rich, buy a big mansion with a pool and hot tub and a big shopping mall of my own with all the sparkly clothes I can imagine. I also want to be free and live my own life the way I want to without anyone telling me what I can and cannot do. Also ... I want me and Ryan to be together forever and make it all work so that does happen ... I want to get married one day and have kids in the future. I want to get my "N" with the nicest pink Dodge Dakota racing truck. I can keep going on and on but I think you all get the point. what can I say ... I'm young have have big dreams! (that may never come true :( )

Countdown Begins

As you all should know, I have been very excited about .. well ... everything. Due to me actually being DONE highschool in 12 MORE DAYS!! I'm pretty excited. I dont really know what I will be doing for a job just yet, since I will be living all the way down in North Shore and yeah i dont really know what's around there but food stores. So I guess I better get that figure out. First night I get there, I'm definately gonna party like it's 1999!!! HELL YA!!!

Ability to smile

Everything is getting better and I'm starting to smile again. I got my one of my best friends back and I'm leaving in 12 days!! YAY .. and also .. I have made an appointment for Thursday at the Revalations in Ashcroft to get my hair stripped and go blonde again. I really need some help leaving it one color ... lol ... Ryan doesnt know yet and I aint gonna tell him He can see it himself cuz it's better that way. I just can't quit smiling anymore. I'm really excited about moving and excited about getting my grad dress. It's ordered in now and now I just have to wait until April 30th to get it.

Beautiful Choises

I have two favorites for grad dresses that really catch my eye. There's one that's a blue color and one that's a beautiful barbie pink color. I'm not too sure which one I want but if I could have it my way I would get both :P ... So here are my two options for grad dresses:

I CAN'T DECIDE ON WHICH ONE I WANT I'm all like " Ahhhh " got any suggestions on which one I should chose??????

Ready, Set, Go !!

Yes that's right. I'm ready, I'm set, and I'm GOING! WOOT WOOT! .... I can't possibly be more excited than I am now. I know for sure that I'm graduating early regardless. Yesturday I called my correspondence teacher dude and had a good conversation about how well I'm doing with my work, which I'm now finished. Right now I sit at 79% overall in my correspondence and all I need to pass on my final is 11% !! Yupp that's right 11% ,...... that is awesome!!!!! So I know I can do that. When that's done, Ryan and I will be living in our own one bedroom appartment instead of sharing one with my sister and justin. That just isn't working. So like I said, I'm ready, I'm set, and I'm going .... ( in 18 more school days !! )

Concussion Exhaustion

It's a damn good thing that I never went to school on Friday. Instead, I was in Kamloops thinking that I was gonna have a good time. SO here's the story:
My sister was just about to dye my hair as we were standing in the bathroom and all I remember is her brushing my hair and my getting dizzier and dizzier. The next thing I know, I'm opening up my eyes lying on the bathroom floor with my head pressed up against justin's chest and seeing Ryan crying and me holding his hands. I was terrified. I started to shake and couldn't stop and I wasnt really breathing right. I heard my sister talking to someone giving out the address to her place and then my head falls again. Then I wake up in an ambualnce. When I was finally ok enough to hear people talk to me and me to talk back I finally figured out what was going on. Since I was puking for 5 hours that early morning I musnt had anything left of me. I bashed my head on the toilet in the bathrooom and I was lying unconsious on the floor. The doctors told me it was half because of tons of stress and half becuase of the flu. That was the most terrifying moment of my life. I don't really remember much of Friday including falling and hitting my head and with some random little things, it takes me a little while for it all to hit me.
And just to top it all off, I come back from the hospital, rest, and find shit written to me that stresses me out even more. I lost my best friend cuz she'd rather chose someone she knew for only 2 months over me who shes known for 3 and a half years. Lucky me just what I need to heal and feel better from everything thats already happened. Merry Christmas to me :(

12 Days Of Christmas

Mrs. Wadlegger I am mad at yoU!! I can't get 12 Days Of Christmas out of my head. So I chose to do it as one of my blogs so I can sing it whenever I want to hahaha. This song always makes me happy and it's fun to sing!!

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,

Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!

What An Amazing Weekend

This weekend went so well. I had sooo sooo much fun. Me and Ryan are finally becoming better and finally starting to understand eachother a lot more than before. Fighting is the worst thing ever but it's true what they say, fighting makes you understand a person more and brings you closer together. But anyway, this weekend with him was just awesome! Friday he came and saw me and we rented Spiderman 3 which is a really really good movie. Saturday we went to his work christmas dinner/party thingy which also turned out to be fun. We all met up at the Lodge for a big dinner and then headed back to the Shapanskey's place to do the Secret Santa gifts and "party" lol. That night was awesome, got to meet some new people who turned out to be pretty sweet. And then on sunday we rented The Invisible which was a really confusing movie. And ummm, later that night, I went to go watch him play hockey. Ryan is a great goalie. No wonder why he has such great reflexes. And this morning Ryan gave me a ride to school and then headed back home in Kamloops. I never got to talk to him tonight cuz I guess he called here when I wasn't home and left a message for me not to call him cuz he is talking to his dad about his truck. I guess something else is wrong with it. Ryan likes his truck and I agree it's a nice little truck, but omg!! I'm sick of worrying if he will make it home or not since so many things go wrong with his truck. But I love him to death.

Todd ... I'm VERY ashamed! Naughty Naughty......

This blog should be humorous to some ... but to me, man it's embarrassing! Today, Nicole and I went over to Jon and Michelle's and hung out for a while. Todd, first, began poking me and pinching (yes) my boob. Now, that is not something you do in front of a 2 year old. But being Todd, he just didn't care. Anyway, umm well Chase (the 2 year old) was goofing around so I thought I would just bug him back and where does that get me??? Being SHIRTLESS that's where!!! Chase started pulling down my shirt and pulled my bra down just a little but enough to see *things* .. MY THINGS! I'm so ashamed of Todd of how he is being a "role model" towards those kids. And now Mackenzie, well I think she will grow up to be a lezbein cuz Todd is also teaching her how to grab my boobs. SHAME ON YOU TODD, SHAME ON YOU!!
* And no I am not mad at Todd, I also find this kinda funny ... but man. Thats just wrong! *

I hate where this is getting us :S

What have we become?? I HATE what being apart is doing to us. I HATE IT!
I hate having a boyfriend who has moved away. Well, yes, I love him and I am happy for him that he finally got away from this place, but what about me??? I am the one who got left behind and no one will EVER understand how I feel. Him being away and me being here is causing nothing but relationship issues! I guess no one will understand this becuase no body is in the same postion as I am in. The other day me and ryan of course got into another fight and he told me he didnt care about me anymore and doesnt have the same feelings for me as he used too! Talk about harsh. He later told me he didnt mean any of that, and he loves me, but being apart is distroying us! it literally is. That is why I am so darn excited to grad and make things better between us. I love him with all my heart and I know I have a future with him, and I dont want to lose that opportunity. I dont wanna lose him and I know for a fact he doesnt want to lose me either. But we are slipping and I dont know what to do!!
Anybody got an suggestions??? HELP ME!!

Love is straight P A I N !

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for youAnd I need you
like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

Bridge (guitar/piano)

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

Keepin Busy

I swear I have no free time to do ANYTHING! When I wake up it's always get ready for school, go to school, come home, shower, eat dinner, talk to Ryan on the phone, then for the rest of the night it's "HOMEWORK TIME", then it is off to bed with me. God, I am soooo happy that I am gradding early but man, I didn't expect to be sooo darn busy. The only time I get to do whatever I want to do is on the weekend when I getta see Ryan. Not only is it homework keepin me busy, but I am also getting a head start on packing up my room and gettin rid of the things I don't need or don't want. Some of the clothes I dont wear anymore I am trying to sell to some of my friends and earn some extra money cuz boy! Do I need it!!!! So there is my life. BUSY BUSY BUSY! and nothing but busy. All well I always look on the bright side, this will all pay off and in 2 months I will be living with Ryan in Kamloops!! YAY!!

Reminds me of how much I love someone special

Here is the ultimate cutest song ever written. It is one of my personal favorites becuase it reminds me of how I feel about Ryan and how much I love him.
It's called : If You're Not The One by Daniel Beddingfeild

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know whatthe future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

Gettin Started On Christmas Shopping

Ryan and I went walking around the mall today and in wal-mart to get some christmas shooping started. I have hardly any money I can spend this year but I still didn't stay cheep. So far I bought my sister a shirt from Garage and a pair of pink fuzzy comfy pj's and also some headbands. I bought my brother a FOX shirt, I bought my grandma I wolf snow glob that lights up, and I bought my mom pink care-bear PJ's and some chocolate and a State Of Shock cd, and I am still looking for something for my dad. Which I am going to go look for tomorrorw. Ryan and I promised eachother the only gift that we were gonna get eachother this year was to see eachother on Christmas. We get eachother gifts all the time so we thought the most romantic thing to get was to just be able to see one another. I LOVE CHRISTMAS and I soooo can't wait for all the decorations and the lights and the songs and movies and everything!
That's all for now .... Toodlez!

Growing Up Means Handling Things The Right Way

It all happend on Tuesday around 2:30. Kaylana followed me down to the bus stop with amanda driving her and guitanna in the truck also. Kaylana got out and started cutting me down calling me a slut and a b"tch and what not. This is the reason why I wanted to leave clinton is because I am TIRED of her shit. SICK AND TIRED. She kept looking me up and down just callin me a slut and what not. Then she stated pushing me around ... and then this is where the title of this blog comes in I done the right thing and never pushed her back or punched her or nothin like that. So I finally just told her off and to stop feeding off my life if she actually had one of her own then she just got into the truck and left. So when I got to the bus stop, I called my dad who called the school and now I (well my dad) is gonna charge all 3 of those girls for touching me. I hope they have all learnt their lesson, if not theres nothing I can do cuz atleast I am the more mature one who knows that fighting doesn't solve anything. It makes you feel good, but it just causes more problems. And another reason why I wont fight her is because I promised Ryan I wouldnt and not only that, but I dont wanna screw up my grade 12 year!

The Games Of War

So it all begins again. I hate this school with a passion, not because of the teachers, not because of my friends, but becuase of the stupid stuck up kids in the school who like to talk behind everyone's backs. I am sooo tempted to drop high school or just go somewhere else. I am tired of walking down the hallway and hearing nothing but "ohhh ew she's such a slut" ... like what is that? JEALOUSY!!!????? I think so. Because if it wasn't then why would they bother with my own life instead of theirs? Normally people talk about others only because they have no life of their own. It's funny, I'm not famous, but B*tchs talk about me like I am!
All I have left to say is that I only got 2 more months left of highschool then I don't have to put up with any of this BS!
Peace Out!

One Amazing Year

Dispite the rough patch we are now crossing and going back to what we were, Ryan and I will have been together for ONE YEAR tomorrow! Oooh Yaaa baby, one whole year. That is awesome and it has got be the best one year of my life. Ryan is coming to see me tomorrow after I am done school and we are gonna go out for dinner and watch a movie just the 2 of us. I actually kept doubting myself and our relationship when we had the "big fight" going on, but it is now passing by. I guess it's true what they say "LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS, IT'S ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!" All I can say is, I am glad we worked things out, I would hate to see my life without him in it. It would be a disaster, he is the one thing that meant, well MEANS, EVERYTHING to me. I LOVE YOU RYAN! I loved you yesturday, I love you today, I love you tomorrow, I love you forever and always.

~ Relates To Previous Blog ~

Here are some pics that do relate to the last blog I wrote. These all relate to my feelings and how I think me and Ryan can pull things back together. ( I am hoping so anyway.) God, I love Ryan so much. It is unbelieveable.

Confusion Can Be A Heartbreaker - But I Have Faith!

Love is tough, like really tough, it can be heartbreaking, but that still doesn't change the way you feel about someone. Love can be the best thing ever, but when things get hard you get confused. And confusion can be heartbreaking cuz you don't know what that person wants anymore, or what is even going on. When you love someone, things change. And no I am not talking about the feelings people have for one another, but I am talking about people changing in general. People will do crazy things when they are in love or even in a relationship, sometimes they will change the way the talk to you, the way they look at you, or even the way they act around you.
Sometimes they do it when they don't notice it, then they beat themselves up for it when they finally do realize how they have been treating you. Yes me and Ryan have ran into a bit of a problem. For the past little while I have realized that he has changed and it has been breaking my heart because to tell you the truth, he has been acting like a total complete ASSHOLE and making me cry. But the thing is, he had no idea he was doing it. Now that he knows, he has been beating himself up for the past week about it. It has even got sooooooooo bad to the point where he has told me just to dump him cuz he didn't want to hurt me anymore. He said he still loves me, and loves me more than anything in the world, but he didn't want to hurt me anymore so he said I should just end it. But I said NO. I love him too much and I know I can help him through all this. I am will always be, AND I AM, always by his side. I will not leave him like this. Things have gotten so outta hand, he has been crying, I have been crying, we just don't know what has gotten into him. But he said he loves me too much to let a year crash and burn, so he said he will do whatever it takes to make this work. And I am putting all my trust and faith in him, so I hope we work out the way we both want it to. It sucks what love can do to a person, but like I have said, it doesn't change the feelings we have for eachother. This just goes to prove how much love we actually do have for one another, we are gonna work everything out, look past this and move on. We are gonna have a good future together, and eventually get married!! We are each others first actual love and it feels great. Couples do go through rough patches but it only goes back to what it used to be if you both have faith in the realationship. And Ryan and I do!! We WILL make it. We will see a brighter future, we WILL be toether forever and I just know we will.
How do I know??? Well I know because I love him more than anything in this world and I know he feels the same way about me. We will both do everything we can for one another, and when we make mistakes, we try sooo hard to fix them. Then later on, we laugh about them. Today on the phone, he told me I was the most amazing girl he has in his life and he never wants to lose me, he wants to have a future with me, and he wants to see my face when he wakes up from sleeping. I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE CUTEST THING HE HAS EVER SAID TO ME! I started to cry. So I told him we can do this together. I do hate who he has become but I can see he is changing already back to he actually is. Even though I have just told him on monday, but I can already see an improvement. I guess he really does love me as much as he says he does, right? I hate the things he has done to me in the past while... but couples do make mistakes just like every other human been.
To end this, ryan is my life, and from what I know, I am his too. We love eachother so much we just hit a rough patch right now, but we are on the verge of fixing it. Nothing can stop us. Some say we are meant to be, we ARE indeed ... true love!

There's No Place Like Home

I am finally going back home today. All this stress of not being there and not being able to have my own queen size bed is a tough thing to go through. But it is all coming to an end. I am going home today after school, I packed all my stuff last night from Jon and Michelle's and I have a total of 6 garbage bags and 1 duffle bag. The funny part is that it is all full of clothes except for 3 bags. But I am actually happy to go home, it's not because I missed living with my dad but it's the fact that I will be done school in 3 more months so I mine as well spend my time at home. And I have also missed living with my dufus brother. hahaha.
But yeah I am going home ... which makes things a whole lot easier on the rest of my family. What can I say ... I am finally growing up to make my own decissions.

Halloween Surprise

This halloween is going to be different from any other Halloween I have had. Thanks to Teri, I will be able to make it into Kamloops to visit Ryan. Now, the actual surprise is that he does not know that I am coming there to see him, Melissa and Justin know that I am coming, but Ryan doesn't. I am going to get Todd to pretend that it is the pizza guy (since we have to call their room to get into the front door) and then I am going to go knock on the door and it will be ME!
He will like the fact that I will be there. I miss him soo much since he has moved but I still do getta see him on weekends, it's just different since I don't getta see him EVERYDAY! I was there on the weekend and he is coming down here this weekend... But I am just excited that I get to surprise him for Halloween!!! WOOOOOOOT!!

Fun Time

On thursday I will be heading to Kamloops to stay there for the weekend, and I will be coming back on Monday at 12:30 in the morning since that is the only time I can actually catch the bus at. But anyway, my mom is also there staying with my sister and Justin and Ryan so I will finally be able to see her after 4-5 months. Which will be pretty awesome to finally see another family member that DOESN'T drive me crazy. But also, while I am there me and Ryan will be going to see Saw 4 in theatres and he will FINALLY be going to get his hair cut. He looks like a grub right now hahaha. Oh and I will be going into Viva to see ifthey have any good grad dresses there yet. Woot. Should be an awesome weekend. One stupid thing though is that my mom and melissa are going to see State Of Shock!! Well thats not the stupid part, the stupid part is that State Of Shock will be performing in a bar, so I am not old enough to go!! And it sucks!!!!!

Being A - P - A - R - T with distance

Having a long distance relationship is so hard, well it's hard for those who are actually in love.
Me and Ryan have been together for 11 months now, and we have been seeing eachother everyday for those past 11 months, but now he is back in Kamloops and I only getta see him every weekend. It's hard and upsets me only to know that I was the one who was left behind. Thats whats making it so hard for me. Imagine just seeing someone you love everyday of your life and then BAM now it is every weekend! Its a tough situation but I will not let that get in the way of us. I will not cry to make it harder to get through. It just sucks because I have so much fun with him and hes the one who puts a smile on my face everyday and makes me laugh. I am hoping that I get my correspondence finished before February so that way, I dont have to live like this anymore!
I LOVE YOU BABY! .:. Forever and Always! .:.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Driving

I AM NOW DRIVING! WOOOOOT!!! No, I don't have my "N" just yet but I have had my "L" for a whole entire year and never got the chance to go driving when I was living at home. But, now that I am living with my step brother, Michelle has been taking me out. Last night I got to drive to Kelly Lake and back, then in town, and then to Perto-Can! It felt so good. I finally feel like I am growing up because my dad never would have taken me out but now I don't have to worry about that. Now, I don't have to rely on Ryan to dive me everywhere. Since I already have my "L" ... as soon as I know everything and can drive really well I can go get my "N" without the wait!
Last but not least, I am blonde again! WOOOT! and I am going to Kamloops tomorrow to see Ryan.

Weekend news

Today is friday and I never went to school on the count of me being sick. It sucks. I got to sleep in till 11:00 though which was pretty sweet. But anyway, tomorrow Jon and Michelle are heading to Kamloops to go get some graceries and to go grab my hair dye. Yes I am going back blonde. My ACTUAL hair color IS dirty blonde so that I what I am goin back to. My blonde hair IS coming out from my brown hair but it is coming out tooooooo slow so I am just gonna dye it back.
But, other than that, Michelle has invited me and Ryan to start partying with her at her friends' places. Which is gonna be pretty sweet so we might end up doing that tonight or tomorrow night.
But other than all this, me and my sister are still not talking on the count of her being stuck up and making me look like the bad one when I haven't done anything wrong at all.... Sometimes I don't get her but I am at the point now where I just dont care.
-- My life is nothnig to brag about. It used to be, but now it's not. Everything is taking a wrong turn. The only thing I feel like I have left is Ryan and some of my friends. --

Wow

Wow, can my life get any worse than it already has? Yes only Teri and Nicole know what I am talking about. Here I thought things would soon start to calm down and I would be happy. But nooooooooooooooooo I was soooo dead wrong!!!! I mean, I have NO idea where I would be right now if I never had Ryan, or Teri or Nicole to talk to. I probably would have done something stupid. But I got a talk from both Ryan and Teri about that.
Alright lets see, my sister pretty much hates me for nooo reason at all, she said some pretty mean things to me like I how I was a screw up and blah blah blah, and Justin is being the disgusting guy he is and being perverted around me, ...... Aww I never wanna let go of Ryan. I hate men (well most men.) Hardly any of them can be trusted. And I am still living at Jon and Michelle's. I talk to my dad once in a while. But anyway the good part is that so far in my English 12 correspondence I got a 92%!!!! WOOOOOOT!
I love you Teri and Nicole. Soo sooo sooo much.

Double dating!

Tomorrow night Teri has a date with some dude from Cache Creek named Brian and she wanted Nicole and Todd to double date with her but unfortunately Todd is gonna be in the coast So I am going!! Yupp as Nicole's awesome date!!! WAHOO! I soo can't wait.
I thought up this great idea of trying to confuse this Brian dude in making him think that me and Nicole are actuall dates!! Hahha I love you nikki and teri.
I am pretty stoked. Ryan will not be coming because he will be over at his friends playing Halo 3 .. typical guy and his nintendo but I dont care cuz I will be out with my friends for a night which I haven't done in 11 months ever since I started dating Ryan.
I miss my friends, but I do still love ryan.

My Birthday Today

Well as you all should know today is my birthday. And I got some pretty awesome gifts from my best friends Teri, Nicole, and Sam. They all bought me dolphin stuff - shocker isnt it? - but Teri got me the funniest dolphin things that I just got a kick out of. But anyway, tongiht Ryan is coming to see me since I haven't seen in like 3 days since we started our week break - which I am ending tonight because I miss him too much. I love him soooo much!! So I am ending the break.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
I turned 17 at 7L11 this morning. Yupp thats right a gas station baby!

Today is the day me and Ryan are going to Ashcroft so I can get my hair cut and re-layered. I think it will be awesome. And plus, like I have mentioned 20 times already I am also going to get my belly button and my nose pierced.!!! YAY!!
But anywho, my life is slowly getting better. I am still not at home but I am living at my stepbrother's here in town. and so far it has been good. Ryan might come to stay the night on Saturday, so that should be fun. We will be playing lots of nintendo. Yupp thats right, a girl who can play nintendo.
But some other news is that my birthday is now in 7 days!!! YESSSSSSS! And I am slowly getting my correspondence done. I just finished the fist package now I have to send it back and they will be sending me another one.
Man, being in grade 12 is stressful. you gotta figure out what you want to do with your life and where you want to go, and blah blah blah.
Anywho I just got outta the shower, time to go get ready to go to Ashcroft!!
Cyaaaaa

Stress, Stress ARGGGHHH!

Arghh my life right at this moment isn't the best. All it is right now is stress and trying to find a place to live. Basically everyone in this class knows what I am talking about so I am not embarressed to talk about it. Me and my dad got into a HUGE fricken fight last wednesday and he told me some bad stuff and called me down and blah blah blah and then he kicked me out cuz I finally stood up for my rights and for myself plus my little brother. I am the only one in my family who is not afraid to stick up for myself if I am not feeling comfortable at home. So, anyway it left me with no place to stay. Well, thats not true. I have been staying at Ryan's house here in town with him because his mom seen me crying that wednesday night and I have been staying there since. And now I might be staying at my step-brothers here in town. But last night I went home and talked to my dad and told him to come concilling with me. So he did agree. And I also told him that if he doesnt change than I will NEVER be returning home. I will have a place to stay in 2 weeks if he doesnt change his way.
I love you babe for sticking beside me even though I was stressed out. And I appreciate what his mom did for me!!! LOVE YOU ALL!

The Big 10 Months

Ryan and I finally made it to the big 10 months of being together today (the 14th). 2 more months and it will be a year!!! I am sooo stoked. I love him with all my heart and I wouldnt change it for the world. I would risk my own life just to be with him. He makes me smile, and even makes me laugh when I am down. I know I couldn't do any better.
I am actually gonna grad earlier than the rest of the grade 12's if I can complete and pass my english 12 correspondence before the next semester. If not, well then I will be crushed and be back sitting here which is not what I want to I will do my best to get a good enough grade on it. Then if I do pass it, I will be living in Kamloops with Ryan till graduation and I will be back here for that which I am excited about already. I hope our theme will be Hawaii!!!!!
But anyway, back to what I was writting about, I am soooo glad I found a guy like Ryan who knows how to treat a girl right and with a lot of respect and I appreciate that so0o0o much! I just know that there will be MANY MANY more months to follow after this.! We are going to Kamloops tomorrow and I will be treating him to a movie and he will be taking us out for dinner. So that will be sweet.
I LOVE YOU RYAN NOW AND FOREVER!.:.MUAH! xoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Piercings, Piercings, BIRTHDAY!

Well, I think ya'll should know about this blog just by lookin' at tha title. Some of ya know what I'm talkin' about, some of ya do not. Well for those who don't, I'm goin' to Kamloops this Saturday with my awesomely hott babe and I will be gettin' my bellybutton pierced AND a little pink stud put into my nose. Yes that's right, PINK! Who woulda guessed that, eh? It's about time too. I've been wanting this done since I was 12 but my parents said no at tha time, but now my mom says yes even though she does live in red deer alberta, but my dad probably still wont like it BUT HEY what can he do I am 16 almost 17 and you need to be 16 to go get it done without parents permission so HAHA DAD!!! lol
And also, my sweet 17th birthday is now in 16 days!! I am sooo stoked. Even though, sadly enough, I cant go get my "N" cuz my dad is always working. But Ryan said he would take me out more whenever he can.!. ... I LOVE YA DARLIN!
But that is all .... YA'LL!
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